Sunday, October 28, 2012

"Sweet Emotion"

Yeah.  Sweet.  That's it.  I cannot believe how angry I have been lately.  I am not typically your most emotionally stable woman; I PMS with the best of 'em, I cry at that Sarah Mclachlan commercial, I can be a bit moody...but I'm not usually angry.  I have a really, REALLY high patience level and have dealt with some unbelievably crazy stuff with all the patience in the world.  I mean, who can be in the middle of a grocery store, have your client literally fracture your arm in the middle of an autistic outburst, and stay calm and levelheaded enough to know to keep the public calm and away so he can have space to de-escalate, find the cleaner upper people for the flour mess he made, then redirect him to the car, and drive him home, all before seeking medical attention...and I was 18!!!  I honestly deal with things like that regularly and really well...but as of right now, I swear, all it takes is someone to blink in my general direction one too many times and I'm off the wall.

It takes A LOT to evoke anger from me typically.  I was more sad than mad the first two weeks of steroids, although my patience began waning from the start.  Dr. Stone had me double my steroids this past Monday so we're now up to 40mg...and boy have I been ANGRY.  Within the first 24 hours I had concocted a mental hit list.  By day two I was testing out multiple outlets to try and get a grip on things.  And within four days, I had gotten word that a good friend was purposely avoiding me as he couldn't handle it.  Lovely.

I'm not physically mean, I'm verbally mean.  I am not even good at it.  I don't have a quick I just say third grade level insults with a bunch of curse words thrown in.  I've managed to keep most of it behind people's backs, which I think is okay in this case.  And it's all over stupid things!  None of it is rational.  Okay, there are a few things that have been, but I can't really properly judge it all so I'm just throwing everything under the irrational title for now.  The closest I've gotten to physically mean is mentally picturing myself ripping to shreds this stupid book that I can't stand and someone has on display.  I may have thrown in on the ground twice now and I gave him a fair warning that if it's still displayed the next time I'm over, I just may do something to it that I really shouldn't.

After much searching, I did FINALLY find one thing that does help me to get out some of my anger in a safe and controlled way.  Let's just hope this form of therapy is something that can and will be able to continue throughout this!

I have heard from so many people that this is normal and it's been much worse with others.  One friend of mine told me that when her son was on steroids he punched a hole in every door throughout the house and they had to replace them all.  Another mom told me that when she was home alone with him she would lock herself in her room.  I honestly don't think that I will or could ever get to the point of physical violence...I mean, I'm vegetarian because I think killing animals for food is sad...but if I actually got to the point of ripping that book or possibly throwing something, that's too far for me!

Especially after hearing that specific friend of mine was avoiding me, I've been hibernating.  This is something that is difficult to explain.  Difficult to try to apologize for.  Difficult to manage!  The cursing is just out of control.  Rachel and Julie have been AWESOME in dealing with me.  Julie will test the waters with me everyday before opening up into full fledged friend mode just in case I'm having a day.  Rachel blatantly watches what she says or talks about around me just in case.  I hate that I'm scaring my friends into having to tip toe around me, but it's so good to know that I won't be provoked and/or set-up for accidentally being mean!

My Mom and sisters are doing pretty well too which is immensely helpful.  And, Karla gave me the perfect way to help my guys understand when I need my "me time"...explain that I need to give myself a "time out"!  I'm very aware about how much my attitude and overall being effects my guys and the last thing that I want is for them to feel this or have this impact their lives negatively.  I've been careful to promote positive interactions between them and anyone who comes into our home, as well as plan out specific times and things for us to be together and have structured fun...since I know I'm not much fun in our daily lives at the moment.  Karla reminded me that if I phrase it as giving myself a time out, they can see that it is ME and not them that is the cause of my needed break.  They seem to understand the concept and let me be when I tell them I'm putting myself in time out.  :)

In my world I combat anger (and every other negative emotion) with laughter as often as possible.  It doesn't fix things, but it sure helps with most things!  I have been spending a lot of time on Pinterest lately looking for things that make me the pictures with this post are things that I found that not only made me laugh, but seemed to hit home right about now.  :)

Many shopping sprees have been had...all in the name of saving lives!!

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