Tuesday, November 6, 2012


I have had an awesome day!  Nothing exceptional happened.  I got the boys ready for their days, fed them breakfast, made their lunches, ate a small breakfast so I could take my 15 or so pills, got ready for the day, picked Katie up from school, fed her lunch, went shopping at Costco, re-organized my food storage, facilitated a yearly mtg for one of my residents that took about three hours, fed the boys dinner, and then went to my sister's house to have a girl's night with my two sisters and my Mom.  All fairly typical things in my world.  The main thing that made this such a great day though, was my level mood!!  I honestly don't think that I visualized punching someone in the face one single time today!!!!

I have been refraining from updating this blog lately on purpose.  Everything that comes into my mind lately is mean.  It's rage spurred.  It's angry.  It's hateful.  I am not my normal, fairly optimistic self.  I am not understanding and compassionate.  I am not patient.  I have violent thoughts.  I have a very short fuse.  I have the desire to throw or rip things up hourly.  It's a mind state that is so foreign to me, I'm frightened by it.  I fear that if I share the thoughts in my head, I will be deemed "crazy" or be judged.  I really believe that it is a state of mind that is difficult to comprehend unless one has been there.  As my Mother accidentally discovered Sunday, about the worst thing one could say to me right now is that 'roid rage isn't real and I'm fabricating these feelings.  Thankfully she forgave the curse words that flew from my mouth when she implied such things, but I fear that may not be the case with everyone.

When I initially started on my 20mg of Prednisone a few weeks ago it took almost a week to feel any effects at all.  Then I began crying.  All the time.  The first time that I realized that my crying was completely irrational was when I was volunteering at a local mud run.  I was watching the finish area and this woman was having a hard time crawling up the muddy hill so she could slide down the other side into the mud ditch to finish.  After about three attempts she finally made it up the hill and as she slid down to the finish, I started bawling.  A few days after I started crying all the time, that sadness changed to anger.  I saw myself losing patience and getting angry often.  It didn't really hit me though until about four days after my doctor upped my dose to 40mg.  Since then it's been almost constant.  I've had a few days of absolute sadness instead of anger, days where I cry over EVERYTHING and for no rhyme or reason.  But, for the most part, it's raging, uncontrolled anger. 

And just when I am not certain that I can take it any longer, I am given a gift like today!!  I have absolutely no idea why or how, but today I was myself again!!!!  All day long I was myself!  I was able to deal with normal day to day irritations like they were nothing!  I didn't have to stop and breathe to refocus my thoughts once!  I never once felt a lump in my throat or tears welling up in my eyes, I didn't feel my blood boiling or steam coming from my ears...it was absolutely wonderful!!!  

This picture wasn't actually from today...in fact looking at it I can remember feeling ready to lose my patience...but I kinda like the picture and I'm kinda in love with the girlies in the photo with me and I am currently at like 6 straight days without my Livi and missing her terribly...so I thought I'd post it anyway!  

1 comment:

  1. Nichelle, having had a fair share of bad days & chemically induced bouts of depression & anger, I know there is nothing anyone can really say to help. Just know that you are loved & are thought of--even by someone who has only met you a few times.